Who am I?

So who is No Angel? Or rather the question should be who is an angel? And I would certainly be able to answer I'm not! As would every single person who walks this earth, they also would have to admit to not being angelic. But so many do not admit to this, and live in a false reality that they have created for themselves.

I have never professed to be an angel, never remotely suggested to living a holy than thou existence. To do that would be denying the choices both good and bad and experiences I have chosen and lived through...Now isn't that the reason for us being here in the first place? To experience, to live, to choose to mess up, to enjoy the best and worst that life has to offer? How strange that many who live by this code deny until there dying breath that they have fallen on there arse spiritually more times than they dare to remember, or want others to know. That they have chosen to put another down than build someone up. Good god no, they couldn't do that...after all they are spiritual people. What utter rubbish!

I suppose I come across as quite cocky and self assured, confident and maybe at times a little louder than would be welcomed, very much at home as the centre of attention. And all I have mentioned is absolutely true of myself.

But so is the many vulnerabilities I have. The insecurities, shyness, hating to be in the limelight. And no that is not contradicting myself, all these I too have the attributes of. I am like everyone else on this earth, a whole mixed bag of positives and negatives, defence mechanisms and strengths.  But it is only the people I trust, who get to see the second list of character traits. We all wear a mask to a certain degree to protect us from this oh so kind world filled to the brim with understanding loving souls. Ok the last bit about understanding loving souls also had me spitting my coffee out over the keyboard but hey we can all live in hope cant we?

From an early age being born into a spiritualist household, where my mother, grandmother and great grandmother had a belief in spirit communication. My grandmother an ardent spiritualist for over 50 years now still attends her local church. so you can say that the pathway for me was very much already written. But me being me, I wanted to change that pathway a little and when time and time again I was told I would be on the rostrum as a medium, even dragging spiritualism into the next century etc or something like that. Also I would teach and follow the spiritual pathway. I would just look up politely at the medium telling me this and think to myself "You have so got the wrong person"

I had no bloody intention of wafting a scarf around, and devoting my entire life to talking to a bunch of dead people. A terrible selfish attitude? probably yes, disrespectful of the spirit world? probably yes. But give me a break I was only a teenager, and what teenager actually understands the world does not revolve around them? and that includes the spirit world. I came to understand this much later in life.

But I was born and bred into this type of stuff, but that did not mean that I would automatically accept everything that I was told. So many things that these people said and did contradicted themselves. didn't make any bloody sense what so ever. And that wasn't because I was a selfish, self orientated teenager, that was because quite literally they weren't making sense. Even at that age, I could tell the knowledgeable mediums and teachers from the wannabes. Now don't get me wrong, I am sure there hearts were all in the right place, it just seemed that some preferred to do more gabbing than studying, and a few obviously had studied for many years...these were the people I listened to, these were the people I took notice of. These were the people whose teachings I took on board and followed.

It would be a cold day in hell before I led a service, no way on this bloody earth! I look back on my attitude all those years ago, and just have to shake my head in amazement how the spirit world worked me to be where I am now. It could not have been easy for them, I would kick back, question constantly, and seemed to do whatever it took for me to prove them wrong!

The actual fact of the matter is that even as a teenager, though selfish, irresponsible, self orientated. I always had a respect and undaunting belief in the spirit world. I had no problem with the guys next door. The problem I had from an early age is my doubt in the living, especially those who seemed intent on telling me exactly what I was going to do when I was older.

I devoutly attended the services, every Sunday, of course this was only to keep my Gran company. And that is the story I will stick to if questioned! Of course as a teenager growing into a young woman, what credibility would I have with my mates if they thought I preferred to go to church on a Sunday than hang around with them? After all, since I was six months of age I had attended Sunday services. Looking back even then I have no doubt I tended to cause a fuss within the very quiet and still atmosphere of our local church. And them as many still do, were kind enough to put up with me.

I grew up, or at least that's what I like to think I did at 18. Though many of my family members may argue the case on that. But at 18 I started to really study the subject, as now I was allowed to attend development circles, one on one training, to have access to some amazing literature and tutors and finally  start to get my teeth into what I had believed in for so very long.

I still had no intention of becoming a medium , I just wanted to know everything about this subject and other related beliefs that were similar to mine. Even now I baffle my friends and family at the amount of utter rubbish that no one in there right mind would want to retain. I cant remember my own bloody mobile number but at a drop of a hat I know the argument for the existence of dragons and how they were able to fly and breath fire, Possible angelic genetic links to humans and the theories behind that, facts about long forgotten vampires myths and god knows what.

So I learnt, I studied, I drove my teachers up the wall with my never ending questions, also so much doubt in me that needed to be verified and understood time and time again for me to allow myself to move on to the next lesson. You see I believed 100% in the spirit world. My own experiences since I was a toddler confirmed there existence to me. But I did not believe 100% in the living. This may sound a little harsh, so I will explain why.

My doubt in the living -  when I look back I suppose is quite understandable, my mother and many of our family members were affected by alcoholism. When being brought up in that environment I suppose you have a safety mechanism that only children can conjure up. You retain hope, and dream that everything will be alright. Your mum wont be passed out on the sofa when you come home from school tomorrow, and you will be able to get inside your own home and not have to wait outside in the rain finally falling asleep on the doorstep until your Gran comes home from work and clambers over the back wall to let you in.

Your mum like a fairy tale will wash your clothes and brush your hair like other mothers do and not leave you to fend for yourself, she would almost certainly be cooking your tea as you walk in the door tomorrow and you wont have to look through near empty cupboards wondering if flour and water would be ok for you to eat. That the house wont smell of stale vodka and beer, and will feel safe as many of your friends houses do. And that tonight you will be able to sleep without worrying whether you will have to run along a dark back street renown for kerb crawlers and prostitutes, with your baby brother wrapped up in a shawl hurrying to get your dads in Battersea so neither of you are hurt in your mums and stepfathers fights.

Hoping that when Friday comes, your mum wont try and blackmail your father when he tries taking you away for the weekend, she wont refuse to let you go unless he gives her money for vodka. And you wont be standing looking out of the window at your dad crying as he drives away, and you seeing your only safety on life drive down the road because he didn't have enough money on him that your mother had demanded. And hoping that this wont be the time that he isn't able to get to bank and return in 30 mins to buy your freedom.

As a child in that type of atmosphere, you learn to cope. That coping mechanism is hope. Living with a  alcoholic parent may harden you as such to life, it also implants the most vulnerable and easiest way for others to hurt you. You retain that hope throughout your life. You hope others will be kind, you hope others can be trusted, you hope others will love you the way you love them. Living with a alcoholic parent makes you so embarrassingly naive.

So it was no wonder I suppose that I constantly doubted what I was being taught. That I did not believe in the living. But I lived in hope of my doubts being way laid. And they were to be fair many times. Infact looking back my belief in the spirit world was the only real secure thing in my early life, that and the comfort of my dad. By study and understanding the spirit world, and only having utter respect for them I started to develop my own latent mediumship abilities. I have no doubt I would have started my mediumship work many moons before I actually was landed in it by a teacher of mine a few years ago. But then, I was told over and over what I would be doing.

It took a sneaky teacher nearly 13years later to get my backside on a rostrum to lead a service! Supposedly he was feeling really poorly and did not want to let Wolverhampton Spiritualist church down, he needed a lift and thought it would be good experience for me. And besides I only had to do one link and he would do the rest. I still remember the big grin on his face as he sat back and I ended up doing the entire service near enough on my own. How very sneaky of him, something I can never thank him enough for!

I have no doubt them next door gave out a huge cry when I walked up on that rostrum that day. It would have sounded something like "Gotcha!"

So as time went on, I continued serving spirit via the rostrum. When I had enough of the backstabbing and bullshit that was going on behind the scenes at my local church in Staffordshire ,I with some others from the church opened a centre. Some of the best people I have known I would take with me there, but also unbeknown to me trailing along with us were two of the worst kind of scum...

And that is a whole different story altogether!